Below are some photos from our home birth with our sweet Benjamin who is one month old today. This video and photos are something I will treasure for the rest of my life. Birth is incredible, what our bodies are capable of is incredible. Getting to see the moment when I meet my baby for the first time brings me incredible joy, just for a second, time stands still. This post is a pretty raw and vulnerable one so if birth stories aren’t for you I’d skip it!
I went into this birth with so much fear and trauma from Oliver’s birth, you can read his birth story HERE. I really can’t describe the fear that I felt it’s not something that I can put a name to, I just felt un-prepared and like everything would go wrong. Not the best mind-set to have but I also knew that God would be with me and I trusted that his will would be done. My water broke December 30th at noon and contractions started coming few hours after. I knew that night that our baby would arrive soon, the contractions were getting stronger and stronger, I texted my midwife at around 7:30 am on December 31st, letting her know that “my contractions were coming in stronger but that I wasn’t sure I was in labor.” She knew better and asked if it was ok for the birth team to head my way… they arrived about an hour after and by then the contractions were coming in strong and anywhere between 3-5 minutes apart. I was in shock, I was sure that my baby was coming, I could not believe it, I was getting the short and fast labor that I had prayed for. I made my way into the birth pool, my body kept telling me that my baby would be in my arms shortly, my body was bearing down and I was pushing.
I started pushing and pushing but baby was not coming, my midwife knew by my grunting that something was a bit off, so she asked me to step out of the pool and move around a little to get labor going again. I moved around a bit and then she checked me to see how dilated I was, this is when I was told that I wasn’t dilated much at all and that my baby was posterior, this was the reason for the back pain I was experiencing. In that moment I felt like I had lost it! I was not getting the short and fast labored I had hoped for. There was no way I would be able to endure much longer and I knew that I would end up getting transferred because as with everything pregnancy, labor, and postpartum nothing ever went the way I hoped for. Looking back, this was my biggest struggle with my labor. I had this huge expectation of it being fast and perfect and I was the opposite of that.
My amazing midwife Karen, suggested that I get into bed and try to rest in between contractions. In the photo above I was in transition and the contractions were strong. I labored here for about and hour with the help of my midwife and birth team. Here in this moment I had to find strength, I had strong beautiful women supporting me and trusting me to ride the waves, to walk through it all to get to my baby. My midwife helped me dilate and move my baby’s head, as soon as she moved his head I felt so much relief and I knew it was time. I made my way back to the birth pool.
I went into the birth pool and I felt so much relief, oh my God did I feel relief. At this point I wasn’t sure what was going on, I had been experiencing strong contractions for a long time.
I reached down and there it was, his head! My baby was in between worlds, he was crowning and he was soft and had a head full of hair. I held in the urge to push and allowed the contractions to pile one on top of the other until it was time to push him out. My midwife suggested that I bring one leg up to a squatting position and when I did I pushed with all I had and caught my baby as he entered this world. Labor was hard but it was all worth it for this one moment.
Oliver meeting his baby brother for the first time. This moment right here was everything, my heart living and breathing outside of me and meeting at separate times.
My Benjamin was out and we were flooded with the most beautiful joy and an overwhelming sense of peace. He came into this world quietly, almost as if he didn’t know he had been born. He wasn’t taken away from me and I wasn’t hurt. This part, this is everything I had ever dreamt of. This baby and his birth redeemed the joy of birth for our family. My words don’t do this experience justice.
I’m proud of myself. I am proud of my body. I no longer look at it with hate and resentment. I no longer look at my body and think its broken. With it all its imperfections and reminders that its carried life, its strong and beautiful. I can’t begin to explain how incredible my entire birth team was. My team of compassionate and knowleageble women they brought such sense of peace and strength with them. They made me feel safe and loved. My amazing husband, I cant put into words how awesome he is, he was so supportive and carried me through when I felt like I couldn’t, he was truly my rock. My mama who just loved me and looked at me with compassion and whispered God truth into this birth. Seriously I had the best team!